Desert Survival Training

Life in Dubai continues to amuse and anger me in equal measure. As I mentioned in an earlier post, having reached the end of my tether with "public transport", or taxis, I had made the decision to buy a car.

I once described living in Dubai as a lesson in patience and so it continues to prove, but it also offers some interesting counterpoint to attitudes we take for granted in the UK.

No thanks!

The first example I can offer you is the attitude of car sales people. In the UK, you've maybe never bought a car from a dealership, but you can surely relate to the idea of pressure sales from commission hungry salesmen.

In Dubai? Not so much.

I experienced apathy on a grand scale from salesmen ranging from offering to post me a brochure after informing me that, "You clearly have not made up your mind what you want yet", to not bothering to turn up for work on an evening I had booked for a test drive.

One of the sales people, a woman at a large second hand dealership, was the most amusing I have ever met. Initially greeting me as "Sarah", it was clear she did not possess the greatest of English. No matter, we were going to be talking used cars, not sociology.

"Can I get you a drink please, Sir?" She had a bright and cheery disposition which bordered on possessed.

"Err, no thanks, I'll be fine."

”Is it because it's Ramadan, Sir? I will not be offended if you would like some Juice." Smiling broadly.

"No, really. I'm fine. Can we talk about the models you have in stock?"

"Of course! As long as you're certain you would not like something to eat. We have some very nice cake," she continued.

"So what do you have that is a 2006 registration?" I tried to plough on and ignore her need to feed.

"How old are you Sir?" she asked without hesitation or dropping her eyebrows from just below her hairline.

"Sorry?.. Er, I'm 32. Why?" I assumed it had something to do with insurance levels.

"Can I just say, Sir, that you look very young and vibrant and I would never tell any of my friends that you are 32, if this is even true."

What appears to be the case in Dubai is that Salespeople in car dealerships are more like facilitators, simply processing the orders of a never ending supply of customers who made their own minds up about what to buy. Offering yourself up as a floating vote to be won cuts absolutely no ice. They simply haven't the time to convince you to buy a car when they could be doing paperwork with someone who does know what they want.

Once I had decided, with no outside influence, what it was that I actually wanted to buy, I needed to arrange finance. I realised I could buy a new car and get a couple of years free servicing, a warrantee and that unbeatable "new car smell" for about the price of a second hand BMW and, despite what the material side of my brain was offering a rush of endorphins in exchange for, I didn't need a BMW. What I did need, was a small car loan to cover the gap between my deposit, zero dirhams, and the list price.

"Hi, is that Emirates Bank?"

"Yes, Sir. How can I help you today?" This was the cheery sounding lady at the call centre for "ME Drive", part of Emirates Bank's trendy new online and telephone based banking service. The marketing department failed to spot the "ME" brand, far from sounding trendy, actually sounded like a 2 year old struggling with the basic tenets of grammar.

"I heard on your radio advert that you are offering the best car finance rates in the UAE, guaranteed. Is that right?"

"Yes, Sir." She sounded enthused.

"Okay, so if I want to buy a brand new Ford Focus Sport, 3 door hatchback over 3 years, what interest rate can you offer me?"

"5.2%, Sir."

"Hmm. HSBC already offered me 4.5%, can you beat that?"

"Oh, no, Sir." She didn't sound too down-hearted about it.

"But I thought you said you guaranteed to offer the lowest rates?"

"Sir, that is just a marketing... thing. It gets people to take out our loans."

I was a little stunned, "Sorry, so you're telling me that it's just... well, a lie?"

"Yes, sir."

"Can I also ask, are these calls recorded by your company?"

"Yes, Sir. We play them back for training and other things too."

"And you can confirm that there is no way you actually guarantee to offer the lowest rates, despite advertising as such to the UAE as a whole?"

"That's correct, Sir. It is not an accurate statement to make. It is just a marketing... thing."

I thanked her for her time.

Anyway, I do have my car now and whether or not it's truly necessary or not no longer bothers me. Now, at least, I can listen to my own tunes in the traffic jam to work every day.